Sunday, May 27, 2012

Meeting New Friends Is Like Dating

Remember the days we went out to bars and clubs hoping to meet our significant other? Remember that uncomfortable first date? Well, Party Mom does and is reliving those moments all over again – only now it's with new friends…There are so many similarities between making new friends and the dating scene. Once you meet a new friend or prospect all the same rules apply, you can't be too pushy, to showy, you have to smile a lot, ask a lot of questions, find what similarities or interests you share and hope the interaction goes smoothly. And all that work without the incentive of sexual attraction. Needless to say it is not an easy task!

Of course Party Mom still hits the bars, but during this period of my life the “meet and greets” tend to happen elsewhere. There’s the PTA, carpool line, the gym, charity parties, play-dates, parks, and anywhere else someone with two kids may frequent. Seriously I’ve added carpool clothes into my wardrobe! You got to look cute while getting your cuties!!! First impression is everything, but it's hard to always be on top of your game! Those Chanel shades can't hide it all you know… You should have seen Party Mom a couple weeks ago. Hubby was away and housekeeper was on vacation. I looked like a crack head due to the Clorox stains and lack of sleep. I hadn’t showered in days and had barely enough time to throw on a bra before leaving the house – you try making friends looking like that and let me know how it goes.

At a Saturday night party conversations may get blurry, exaggerated, sloppy, and possibly obnoxious. And let's be honest here we’ve all done it! You may find yourself bragging about your new home, car, upcoming trips, etc. Conversation is key and you’ll realize quickly that if you can’t hang with the big dogs then you need to get your ass off that porch! Usually it starts off with, “what does your husbands do for a living?” Or “do you have help?” (to clarify, help refers to the person that cleans your house or takes care of your kids when you can’t). These conversations can go several ways depending on your venue and, of course, if booze is included or not. The party is usually a blast but then there’s the next day. Should you call your new bestie that helped you kick back 10 tequila shots? Or do you wait for them to call you? They said let's get together, but that happened to be after the joint you shared right before you left the party…

 Another scenario is the casual play-date, which in Party Moms rules should be timed simultaneously with happy hour. These conversations are similar to the ones above, just tweaked and turned more towards the kids and school. Oh and this is the point where you want your child to be on their best behavior. Not only are you “friend flirting,” but you’re also showing off your most precious assets :)

I could go on and on about different scenarios, but you should be getting my drift by now. Meeting new friends is like dating. It starts with a lot flirting, bragging, and intoxication. You then calmly adjust into the real you – hoping they are hooked by the time you show your true colors. If that relationship continues then you know did something right.

So here’s some advice from Party Mom on this new type of dating. Just be yourself and if the person you are courting is not into you, just move on to the next mama with a smile on her face and a drink in her hand! Not everyone has to be besties… I'll still cheers ya in the next fiesta even if I wasn't fond of you in the first one! I like people of ALL types, however, not everyone has to get along. Just be cordial and remember that certain someone won’t be into you until you are into yourself. And last but NOT least if you want to meet up with the kids or have an afternoon BBQ just remember - its 5:00 somewhere!

Unit Next Time,
Party Mom

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Fall Festival

Back when I told you about my son’s school orientation, I forgot to mention that I signed up to organize two class parties for the year. Now, if you know anything about Party Mom, you know she loves to have parties and go to parties. In the case of the recent fall-themed class party, alcohol was obviously not appropriate in this environment (and by “environment” I mean a room full of 2-year-olds). So I compensated by going just a little bit overboard with the party planning.

I was instructed to lead the class in a craft and to provide a snack. I could have cut out pumpkins and decorated them with stickers and leaves. I could have brought oranges and cupcakes and called it a day. But, in normal Party Mom fashion, it didn’t go that way.

I sweated my way through every Party City, Target, and trendy bakery in town. I bought 8 wooden acorns, 8 wooden leaves, 8 mini pumpkins, and 8 mini corns. After that I had to find the PERFECT stickers. I mean these kids are 2 and I didn’t want them drawing all over themselves. So stickers made the most sense. I got stacks and stacks and stacks of stickers. I had gold leaves, red leaves, orange leaves, pumpkins, apples, scare crows, roosters. You name the stickers and I had it. If you were looking for fall stickers for your child, well sorry, but Party Mom bought them out everywhere!!!!

Then there was my presentation. I couldn’t just throw all this crap on the table. I had to find the perfect 8 bags to put everything in. And those bags couldn’t be pink or blue. They had to be a fall color. So I decided to scout out Walgreens. I mean, if hubby were to see another charge from Target or Party City, he would have thought I had seriously lost my mind. So I found the perfect bags to hold everything for each kid. I labeled them with their names. And after sampling 3 different cakes, I finally decided on a delicious cookie cake with orange icing for desert. And don’t worry…Party Mom never forgets drinks! I got each kid their own organic milk and straw (it’s like Cuervo for toddlers).

So the day of the party was great! The kids sat and I gave each of them their bags, which in the end included a washable marker even though I had originally said no to markers. They put the stickers on their pumpkins, acorns, and leaves. But mostly they went on their faces, chairs, and hands. They ate delicious cake and sipped on the fancy organic milk. To me it was a top notch fall festival.

So here’s my advice from this experience. Besides in my case taking a strong dose of Xanax, don’t cheat by doing something boring and easy. Go wild with the kids or any other people you are entertaining. Remember, you are representing your child, so blow it out!!! Overwhelm them with a cool activity and hop them up on sugary treats! To make it easy, think what you or Party Mom would want at your own fall party and change it up to something PG-rated and legal.

Until Next Time,
Party Mom

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Moms First Date

It’s hard for me to believe that it’s been almost 16 months since my father passed away. We miss him every day and so much has changed since he has been gone. Baby sister got married and moved. I had another baby and bought a house. Cute Lazy sister’s children started kindergarten and last but not least Mom went on her first date.

We all know what first dates are like. They are completely awkward and most of the time you get completely shit faced due to your nerves. It’s a whole process to get ready for this one night. In my mom’s case, the last time she had been on a first date was when she was 16.

First, we had to decide mom’s best look for the date. Should she be sexy? Or should she be cute? Should she get her makeup done? Should she get her hair done? Should she do the smoky eye or the light eye? Sometimes less is best. What look are we going for? We wouldn’t want the guy to think she was trying to hard.

Next there was the date. He suggested lunch…and she suggested drinks. I got a really bad feeling about the guy when he suggested lunch. Honestly, who the hell wants to meet a total stranger without cocktails?? You MUST get a buzz to get the conversation flowing!!!

So, they met and it could not have been a worse match. He gardened and she partied. He was a peace-loving liberal and she was a hard core republican. He sipped on one glass of red wine while mom had several martinis. She discussed her love of the NRA and he talked about his rose garden. It was definitely NOT a match made in heaven.
Finally, when he began discussing his dead wife’s tumors, mom couldn’t take it anymore and out the door she went.

And where do you think Mom went from there? Straight to meet her daughters who were out enjoying Thursday night cocktails, of course. We laughed and laughed when she told us about her garden-loving liberal date. And in true Party Mom fashion, I took Mom home and got her stoned! Yep, the lady has become a Pothead!!

So listen up readers. I need your help in looking for that perfect man for my mom. She is the most special, beautiful, loving woman in the world and only deserves THE BEST!!! In fact some may call her a MILF. She’s a true hottie! So please continue
reading below…

WANTED

SWM, MUST have GREAT personality, be a partier and be able to hold his liquor ALL night. MUST love sports and be a strong Republican. Needs to love family, country, and be able to deal with 3 wild daughters, 3 son-in-laws, 4 grandchildren, and more to come. Must love the night life and great steak restaurants. Generosity is a MUST. Also needs someone with their own transportation. Examples of that would be a yacht, driver, jet, or even horses. Needs to enjoy life the FULLEST. Oh and he should NEVER take money from her. In fact, throwing money at her would be great!

Until Next Time,
Party Mom

Monday, August 23, 2010

What I did this summer part II: Getting ready for the first day of school

Today was my son's first day of school and getting ready for it was like training for a triathlon. There are so many different components that must be completed before you start school or cross that finish line. Party Mom had to prepare mentally and physically just to get my baby boy out the door. Did he and I make it? Well this is how it went…

First, there are all the forms and there are so many of these. The medical forms.
Has he had his shots? Does he have food allergies? The application, my info, husband’s info, emergency contacts, and you can’t forget to sign up for the carpool number. Do I put my mom and both my sisters as emergency contacts? Oh, and what friend do I put down as an emergency contact? I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feeling and not choose them. There are after school programs, parent clubs, and of course, fundraisers. My reaction to fundraisers: the kid hasn't even started school yet and they want MORE of my money before tuition is even due??? I might as well just give them my damn bank account number. It would be easier then writing a million checks.

Next, there is the first open house at school to meet the teachers and parents. I sat through an hour long discussion about my son's school with the director and other parents. I tried to listen, but all I could think about is everything I had to do. All the new parents are checking each other out wondering who will be in my child's class. You absolutely want your kid in the “cool class.” After that we went downstairs to see the classroom and receive even more information about the upcoming school year. Oh and most of these papers was the same crap that was already sent to me in the mail.

Making sure you get everything on the school supply list is very important! I filled the biggest bag of baby wipes, diapers, extra clothes, sippy cups, tissues, and anything and everything that a 2-year-old may need. Can’t they provide all this shit since I am paying up the wazoo??? Oh, and everything has to be labeled with a sharpie. There are so many instructions I’m surprised my sharpie doesn’t need to be a specific color.

The grocery store is the next big obstacle. What should you make for lunch on his first day? String cheese or square cheese? Apple Juice or milk? Turkey sandwich or PB&J? Then there’s his snack. Healthy or sugary? Salty or sweet? Did you pack enough??? You can’t send your child to school without a pretty colorful lunch??? You want everything to be perfect!

And now on to wardrobing. You absolutely want to take your kid back to school shopping. Is he gonna be preppy or punky??? Should he wear his cool Grateful Dead shirt or his beautiful new blue Polo? What emblem do you want him to wear? Oh and don’t forget about you!! Do you drop the kids off in your exercise clothes with no makeup?? Or do you shower, straighten your hair, and deck yourself out? You want all the other mommies to see you looking good. I remember when my sister was young she liked her best friend's mom (who actually became my mom's best friend) because she was cute and cool. First impressions are VERY IMPORTANT!!!

You do all these things just to get your child and yourself out the door. For months, I went back and forth to Bloomingdales, Target, and every other store in the city buying and returning my sons back to school clothes. I was exhausted from driving and walking through every mall.

The Sunday before school I worked my butt off and of course cute lazy husband got to sleep in after our night of drinking at a wedding. I went through my final list. School supplies? Bought. Outfit for the morning? It’s clean! Everything labeled? Nope, but doing it now. All forms filled out? Finishing up the last two. Everything bought from the grocery? Got it all! Bag packed of his supplies to take to school this evening to the ice cream social so he can meet his teachers? All done!!! I’m on top of it and ready to go!! Extra Strength Tylenol for my hangover? Taking them now!! I was so organized and SO proud of myself!!! Oh and in between that, I made time even to iron my damn husband's shirts. Sometimes I ask myself if I have 2 kids or 3?

So, do you want to know how his first day went? Well he DID NOT even go. After the ice cream social his eye became bright red and he appeared to have conjunctivitis. I couldn’t believe it!! I worked so hard all day and for months to get everything ready for the big first day of school. He was napping that day and I was sweating all the alcohol out while labeling every freakin sippy cup, diaper, and baby wipe box. If I could make a bumper sticker for this day, it would read, "I'd rather be watching my Lifetime Sunday movies!!"

Until Next Time,
Party Mom

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Rocky Mountain High: What Party Mom Did On Summer Vacation.

Well, my summer vacation had at least one shocking event, involving three things that begin with the letter M (hint: me, mom, and marijuana). Most vacations are scheduled to perfection with kids, activities, and meals. Not mine, of course. Ours is like one big hangover and we wake up every morning and do it all again!!! This is how my wine and weed summer trip began…

It started with my son running wild for our entire 2 and ½ hour flight. He was literally jumping off my lap and running into the first class cabin and pulling down the separation curtain. He was screaming bloody murder from excitement. I must have run after him a million times and every time I would grab him and say the word "no”, causing him to burst out laughing. And then FINALLY the flight attendant came around I got my wine!! But how the hell was I suppose to drink it out of the plastic cup with my hyper son all over me?? I didn’t and I drank straight from the airplane bottle. A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do!!

The next week was spent running after my children, making blueberry pancakes and eggs, getting ice cream of all flavors, drinking LOTS of great wine, playing outside in perfect weather, and not sweating a bit. We heard great music and had great beer at a Bluegrass Festival. Oh and did I mention that my son slept in the middle of my mother and I? Yep, for 7 nights I snuggled with my son because he is too young to sleep alone in a bed and too big for his pack and play. So every night at 7:00 my mother and I would lay in bed with him until he would fall asleep, which took about 2 hours. Instead of drinking a bottle of wine on our balcony looking over the mountains we enjoyed the bottle in bed staring at my son. And when the coast was clear we would jet out the room to start on our next bottle. Finally I could rest! And then when we would fall asleep I would be woken up almost every 2 hours by my son calling out, “ Mama.” Oh and then there was the night we actually thought he was not in the bed anymore. In the middle of the night my mom rolled over and said, “Where is he?” We turned on the light and searched under the covers, under the bed, we were freaked!!! Then all of a sudden I heard a little snoring from behind a pillow. He had covered himself up with pillows and crawled into a ball around the headboard. It was the cutest thing ever!

Then there was my little princess who usually turns into the exorcist at night and doesn’t sleep. Baby girl must have gotten into the Ambien because she slept like CRAZY. She took 2, 2 hour naps everyday and then would sleep 12-13 hours every night. I was shocked as shit, but soooo happy!!!

One night my mom and I went to dinner and enjoyed several cocktails. On our way back in the taxi my non drug using mother and I bummed a little pot from the nastiest hippie I had ever seen. We ran straight home and smoked it!!! It was hilarious. And then my non drug using mother started cleaning. If you knew my mom she is not the type to clean. I didn’t think the woman even knew how to use a vacuum!!! The place became spotless and I couldn’t believe it. Maybe I should get rid of my cleaning lady and trade my mom pot for cleaning??

Mom left after the first week and then cute lazy husband came to join. And of course when he comes I have everything in order. The food is stocked. The place is clean and his scotch is right there waiting! It was all set up so he can sit on his throne and stay cute and lazy.

Hubby shared the last week with me and we had a great time. We ate, drank, took the kids on great walks, and even got to meet up with my friend, her 3 kids, and her cute lazy husband. In fact these guys are so much alike. They are precious. Always smiling, drinking, and having a good time. These dads literally ran away to get beers as soon as they saw each other. That left my friend and I taking care of 5 kids in the middle of a crowded BBQ festival. It was crazy. And it was my first time sweating in the cool mountain air. I don’t think my friend and I could say a word to each other because all we were doing was chasing and feeding our kids. Both of our husbands may be lazy, but not selfish. On their hour long trip to the beer line they managed to bring us back a couple cold ones too!

So readers when you’re on vacation with your family and especially your kids remember that everything is not gonna be exactly in order. They won’t always go to sleep easily and they will for sure get hyper as hell from the excitement. SO with that being said you should go with it and get a little loose too! Enjoy wine, liquor, pot, or whatever floats your boat. They can break the rules and so can you!!!

Until Next Time,
Party Mom

Thursday, July 22, 2010

"24"

O100. I’m sitting on the beach at a swanky hotel drinking margaritas with my husband. We are having the most wonderful time alone and away from all the chaos. Then I hear a noise. FUCK it’s my daughter crying and I was only dreaming. I run upstairs with an 8 ounce bottle that my baby girl chugs down in a matter of seconds. I think to myself, “will she ever sleep through the night?” I guess tomorrow night I will start to Ferberize her.

0700
It’s morning time. I run upstairs to get hungry, screaming babies that I drag downstairs for breakfast and changing.

0745
Cute lazy sister shows up after I did the dishes with her starving children. More eggs to cook and more bacon to fry. If you are wondering where Party Husband is, well he is sound asleep in his throne. Are you shocked?

1000
Back inside after playing in the baby pool and sweating my face off from chasing my son, my nieces, and of course wearing the baby Bjorn that holds the baby girl in 95 degree weather. And where’s my lazy sister? She’s at the gym working on her cute figure.

1200
Lunchtime. I’m mixing baby food and preparing a sandwich for my son at the same time. My son is throwing his carrots on the wall, while my baby girl is screaming bloody murder because her teeth hurt.

1300
Run up stairs to put baby boy to sleep while my little girl is screaming her brains out cause I have left her. Run back downstairs, pick up my little girl and then of course she pukes up her sweet potatoes and bananas all over me and herself.

1330
Change little girl’s clothes and stick bottle in her mouth. Finally some calmness.

1400
Bring baby girl upstairs for a nap.

1420
Baby girl is screaming so I run back up to her room to find that she pooped in her pants. I change her again and then the sheets. Put her back in the crib and it’s back downstairs for me. I should seriously train for a fucking marathon.

1430
Clean the house, fold the laundry, change my nasty clothes, put back toys, take out trash, and go through some bills if I have time.

1600
Babies wake up. Change them, make a snack, and begin afternoon activity. Coloring (which usually ends up on my sofa and walls), throwing the ball with my son while holding my little girl. Oh, and then a surprise visit from my sister and her kids. They are back again and of course hungry.

1700
Margarita and pizza time!!! Finally a drink! Friend shows up with her son so now there are 2 kids, 3 babies, and 4 adults. Party Mom gives up for a few minutes and lets the kids run wilds through the house. And did we have time to finish the Margaritas?? ABSOFUCKINLUTLY!!!

1830
Bath time. I drag my son and daughter upstairs. By this time of day my back is in serious pain and all I can think about is a nice muscle relaxer and another margarita. I bathe both my kids together and its nuts. My daughter is flipping over while my son keeps trying to stand up.

1900
Bedtime! Throw son in the crib while my daughter is crawling all over his room. Pick her up and bring her across the hall to her room. Kiss her on the cheek and put her down.

1915
Run back upstairs cause my son won’t go to sleep and bring him back downstairs. Let him watch a segment of the Wiggles while I continue to clean.

1930
Bring baby boy back up to his room. Run back downstairs finish cleaning and of course give Party Husband his dinner and scotch.

2000
FINALLY I’m done!!! Join hubby outside for a drink.

2100
FINALLY I’m in bed, but of course my husband expects to get laid.

0100
Party Mom is with Party Hubby at the black jack table in Vegas. Damn, I’m having the time of my life. Cocktail after cocktail and winnings after winnings. The smoke, people, everything is just amazing. Then all of a sudden a loud bang went off in the casino. I think to myself, “is there a terrorist here?” FUCK, not again, it’s my baby girl and I’m only dreaming. Well I guess tomorrow night I will try to Ferberize her….

Until Next Time,
Party Mom

Friday, July 9, 2010

HELP!!!! I need a vacation, from my vacation

This past weekend Party Mom packed up her entire family to head to the beach. My car was loaded with clothes, diapers, toys, formula, and every swimming raft possible. I must have made 50 trips to Target before we left. This how the chaos began…

It started off with an 8-hour drive that should have taken only 6. We drove in a torrential downpour most of the way, which caused us to miss our exit. So my mom, my daughter, my son, and I drove forty miles out of the way. It sucked! I was crammed in the back between both of their car seats trying to calm them down. Oh and you try being stuck back there for 7 hours. I was so nauseous that I convinced myself I was pregnant. When the clouds parted and sun came up, we picked-up the pace just enough to get pulled over. Yep, at the end of a 7-hour hellacious ride we were pulled over with 2 screaming kids, and right when we stopped my daughter threw up everywhere. The best part about it was when the cop almost pulled out a gun on my mother. She seemed to think it was ok to get out of the car when we were waiting for the policeman. I swear I thought she was gonna be arrested. And after an hour of sitting there while the cop ran a background check, we were sent away with an expensive speeding ticket and a stupid pin that the officer gave to my son thinking it would make him happy. Wondering where hubby was? Well, don’t worry about him. He got to take a nice, quiet, leisurely drive by himself later that day. And his 6-hour trip took only 5.

And then there’s the babysitter I hired. She wasn’t exactly a sitter. She was more like the teenager daughter that I don’t have (or want). In fact I had to babysit her, too! She was 19, adorable, obnoxious, and the daughter of a pilot who was actually the owner of a private plane company. My daughter would be crying for a bottle and she would be putting on more lip gloss. Instead of helping me wash their bathing suits, she would be reading my US Weekly. As irritated as I was, when you have 2 kids that young, you take what you can get.

Here we were staying at a beautiful new house and I spent my days making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for all of the children. I love my older sister to death, but the girl didn’t lift a finger and for some reason her kids went to me for “cheesy eggs” every morning and everything else throughout the day. She would sit there like a little doll dressed perfectly. Her hair would be combed and she’d be holding a cup of coffee, but did nothing to help. I wanted to strangle her so badly, but she just looked too damn cute for me to do that. I was constantly changing all the kids and bringing all the kids to the pool by myself. I would try to nap them, but why would they ever want to do that? Wondering where my babysitter was? She was filing her nails while I was trying to put the kids to sleep.

Then there was Party Husband and WHAT A WASTE OF SPACE he was. He really didn’t do anything. In fact I think he is helpless. He’d just stand there smiling, and what a beautiful smile he has, chatting away while my back was about to break due to children using me as their jungle gym. One day stands out in particular. After I made my gourmet breakfast for 10 and then dragged my children to the pool, he decided to show up hours later after a nice bike ride. He then informed me that he was going to jump in the pool with the kids and then head to the bar for lunch and drinks. Oh, and he also gave me his dirty shorts to take back and wash. Shocking, right? Not really.

And I don’t want to forget my pregnant cousin. Her hormones were running wild and if you put her Teflon pans in the dishwasher she would turn into the exorcist. She was cranky, bitchy, and a bit scary. And I still love her!

So I ask myself if this was a vacation. Maybe it wasn’t Vegas with the girls, but we still had a blast. I worked my butt off and as much as I wanted to kill my lazy sister, lazy husband, useless babysitter, and pour Prozac down my cousin’s throat, there is nothing better than being with my family. We laughed our faces off! Wondering where Party Mom was? Well, don’t worry about her. She enjoyed several cold cocktails while chasing the kids.

Until Next Time,
Party Mom