Thursday, July 22, 2010

"24"

O100. I’m sitting on the beach at a swanky hotel drinking margaritas with my husband. We are having the most wonderful time alone and away from all the chaos. Then I hear a noise. FUCK it’s my daughter crying and I was only dreaming. I run upstairs with an 8 ounce bottle that my baby girl chugs down in a matter of seconds. I think to myself, “will she ever sleep through the night?” I guess tomorrow night I will start to Ferberize her.

0700
It’s morning time. I run upstairs to get hungry, screaming babies that I drag downstairs for breakfast and changing.

0745
Cute lazy sister shows up after I did the dishes with her starving children. More eggs to cook and more bacon to fry. If you are wondering where Party Husband is, well he is sound asleep in his throne. Are you shocked?

1000
Back inside after playing in the baby pool and sweating my face off from chasing my son, my nieces, and of course wearing the baby Bjorn that holds the baby girl in 95 degree weather. And where’s my lazy sister? She’s at the gym working on her cute figure.

1200
Lunchtime. I’m mixing baby food and preparing a sandwich for my son at the same time. My son is throwing his carrots on the wall, while my baby girl is screaming bloody murder because her teeth hurt.

1300
Run up stairs to put baby boy to sleep while my little girl is screaming her brains out cause I have left her. Run back downstairs, pick up my little girl and then of course she pukes up her sweet potatoes and bananas all over me and herself.

1330
Change little girl’s clothes and stick bottle in her mouth. Finally some calmness.

1400
Bring baby girl upstairs for a nap.

1420
Baby girl is screaming so I run back up to her room to find that she pooped in her pants. I change her again and then the sheets. Put her back in the crib and it’s back downstairs for me. I should seriously train for a fucking marathon.

1430
Clean the house, fold the laundry, change my nasty clothes, put back toys, take out trash, and go through some bills if I have time.

1600
Babies wake up. Change them, make a snack, and begin afternoon activity. Coloring (which usually ends up on my sofa and walls), throwing the ball with my son while holding my little girl. Oh, and then a surprise visit from my sister and her kids. They are back again and of course hungry.

1700
Margarita and pizza time!!! Finally a drink! Friend shows up with her son so now there are 2 kids, 3 babies, and 4 adults. Party Mom gives up for a few minutes and lets the kids run wilds through the house. And did we have time to finish the Margaritas?? ABSOFUCKINLUTLY!!!

1830
Bath time. I drag my son and daughter upstairs. By this time of day my back is in serious pain and all I can think about is a nice muscle relaxer and another margarita. I bathe both my kids together and its nuts. My daughter is flipping over while my son keeps trying to stand up.

1900
Bedtime! Throw son in the crib while my daughter is crawling all over his room. Pick her up and bring her across the hall to her room. Kiss her on the cheek and put her down.

1915
Run back upstairs cause my son won’t go to sleep and bring him back downstairs. Let him watch a segment of the Wiggles while I continue to clean.

1930
Bring baby boy back up to his room. Run back downstairs finish cleaning and of course give Party Husband his dinner and scotch.

2000
FINALLY I’m done!!! Join hubby outside for a drink.

2100
FINALLY I’m in bed, but of course my husband expects to get laid.

0100
Party Mom is with Party Hubby at the black jack table in Vegas. Damn, I’m having the time of my life. Cocktail after cocktail and winnings after winnings. The smoke, people, everything is just amazing. Then all of a sudden a loud bang went off in the casino. I think to myself, “is there a terrorist here?” FUCK, not again, it’s my baby girl and I’m only dreaming. Well I guess tomorrow night I will try to Ferberize her….

Until Next Time,
Party Mom

Friday, July 9, 2010

HELP!!!! I need a vacation, from my vacation

This past weekend Party Mom packed up her entire family to head to the beach. My car was loaded with clothes, diapers, toys, formula, and every swimming raft possible. I must have made 50 trips to Target before we left. This how the chaos began…

It started off with an 8-hour drive that should have taken only 6. We drove in a torrential downpour most of the way, which caused us to miss our exit. So my mom, my daughter, my son, and I drove forty miles out of the way. It sucked! I was crammed in the back between both of their car seats trying to calm them down. Oh and you try being stuck back there for 7 hours. I was so nauseous that I convinced myself I was pregnant. When the clouds parted and sun came up, we picked-up the pace just enough to get pulled over. Yep, at the end of a 7-hour hellacious ride we were pulled over with 2 screaming kids, and right when we stopped my daughter threw up everywhere. The best part about it was when the cop almost pulled out a gun on my mother. She seemed to think it was ok to get out of the car when we were waiting for the policeman. I swear I thought she was gonna be arrested. And after an hour of sitting there while the cop ran a background check, we were sent away with an expensive speeding ticket and a stupid pin that the officer gave to my son thinking it would make him happy. Wondering where hubby was? Well, don’t worry about him. He got to take a nice, quiet, leisurely drive by himself later that day. And his 6-hour trip took only 5.

And then there’s the babysitter I hired. She wasn’t exactly a sitter. She was more like the teenager daughter that I don’t have (or want). In fact I had to babysit her, too! She was 19, adorable, obnoxious, and the daughter of a pilot who was actually the owner of a private plane company. My daughter would be crying for a bottle and she would be putting on more lip gloss. Instead of helping me wash their bathing suits, she would be reading my US Weekly. As irritated as I was, when you have 2 kids that young, you take what you can get.

Here we were staying at a beautiful new house and I spent my days making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for all of the children. I love my older sister to death, but the girl didn’t lift a finger and for some reason her kids went to me for “cheesy eggs” every morning and everything else throughout the day. She would sit there like a little doll dressed perfectly. Her hair would be combed and she’d be holding a cup of coffee, but did nothing to help. I wanted to strangle her so badly, but she just looked too damn cute for me to do that. I was constantly changing all the kids and bringing all the kids to the pool by myself. I would try to nap them, but why would they ever want to do that? Wondering where my babysitter was? She was filing her nails while I was trying to put the kids to sleep.

Then there was Party Husband and WHAT A WASTE OF SPACE he was. He really didn’t do anything. In fact I think he is helpless. He’d just stand there smiling, and what a beautiful smile he has, chatting away while my back was about to break due to children using me as their jungle gym. One day stands out in particular. After I made my gourmet breakfast for 10 and then dragged my children to the pool, he decided to show up hours later after a nice bike ride. He then informed me that he was going to jump in the pool with the kids and then head to the bar for lunch and drinks. Oh, and he also gave me his dirty shorts to take back and wash. Shocking, right? Not really.

And I don’t want to forget my pregnant cousin. Her hormones were running wild and if you put her Teflon pans in the dishwasher she would turn into the exorcist. She was cranky, bitchy, and a bit scary. And I still love her!

So I ask myself if this was a vacation. Maybe it wasn’t Vegas with the girls, but we still had a blast. I worked my butt off and as much as I wanted to kill my lazy sister, lazy husband, useless babysitter, and pour Prozac down my cousin’s throat, there is nothing better than being with my family. We laughed our faces off! Wondering where Party Mom was? Well, don’t worry about her. She enjoyed several cold cocktails while chasing the kids.

Until Next Time,
Party Mom